43. Vipassana Meditation Retreat

There is a type of meditation called Vipassana which is heralded as the original meditation that the Buddha used to reach enlightenment. I have several friends who have been on Vipassana Meditation Retreats and recommended it. So as part of my self-development this year, I decided to go do a 10 day course near Cape Town. After it wrapped, I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of my experience, so I'm sharing my thoughts as a testament to my current perspective and in the hopes it will be helpful for anyone curious about it.

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Vipassana is a meditation of awareness. It's an old technique that originated in India and then bypassed cultural evolution by being imported to Bhutan as a foreign tradition. (Ah, the sanctity of something that originated somewhere else!) Bhutanese monks protected the dogmatic practice of Vipassana for hundreds of years. The teachings eventually came to a Bhutanese businessman with Indian origins, S.N. Goenka in 1962. Goenka built a consistent teaching model in a 10 days residential program and established non-commercial meditation centers all over the world.

So now "Vipassana" in shorthand is known as this 10-day experience where participants learn the technique in a shared meditation hall while they room and board in simple monk-life fashion in segregated dormitories. The daily schedule is strict with meditation training starting at 0430, interspersed with meal times and rest times until the day ends at 2100. All participants agree to a modest clothing, noble silence (no writing, drawing, gestures, or glances) and staying for the full 10 day experience to learn the technique properly.

Goenka created the course with a series of his audio recordings and video recordings. The audio recordings are played during the day during meditation sessions. The video recordings are played at the end of each night as a way to explain the purpose of the process, some of the Buddhist teachings and reinforce the non-sectarian, universal results of the meditation.

In my case, the training ended just before a wild storm came through Cape Town. So on the day we were released, I spent hours walking through torrential rain, crazy wind and grey skies feeling awe-struck at how loud, noisy and overwhleming real life is. Back in my hotel room before my flight back to Windhoek, I wrote down all the different components so I could capture my thoughts on the entire experience:

Learning the technique is deceiptively simple. Sit. Breathe. Feel the sensations in the body. Good or bad - doesn't matter. Just feel the sensations in the body. So, even if you don't actually follow any of the philosophical concepts, the results (feeling more zen and less affected by things) are very comforting.

In my case, I didn't correct bad technique at the start and so the cumulative effect of 10 days of meditation training resulted in severe eye strain, migraines and sea-sickness. (It turns out I was moving my eyeballs under my closed eyelids to "track" the parts of my body so I could feel the sensations better. I even might have even been crossing my eyes at times which would explain the intensity of my eye pain!) So I finished the course encouraged and intrigued but also sad, confused and somewhat embarrassed that I was injured and in unexpected pain. (Most people are in pain from sitting for so long and not getting in movement.)

I immediately stopped doing the technique and spent the several weeks after the retreat just thinking while healing. (My eyes felt swollen and so sensitive to touch and light and the migraines persisted for a while afterwards.) Once I felt better, I shaked down every Vipassana meditator in my life, I debated wise philosophical friends, and I journalled the hell out of everything. I still desperately wanted to make sense of everything.

What I finally accepted is that while the Vipassana experience is somewhat similar for everyone, each person learns their own lessons. At the very least that was the case for everyone I spoke to who went through the 10 day course. They each had a range of self-reckoning lessons: the quality of their self-talk, their integrity, their vulnerability, their intuition, their understanding about life, their capacity for the unknown, their greater connection to humanity, etc. It gave me comfort to know that everyone comes out a bit mixed, but all seem grateful to find a technique to embody more zen in life.

Symbolically, I now think Vipassana damaged my vision (temporarily) to help me release my stubborn fear of losing control. I was literally trying so hard that I was (unknowingly) forcing my eyes which constricted my veins and tightened my scalp resulting in the intense eye pain and the migraines that followed. So I had to abandon the meditation practice at the pinnacle of the retreat experience! I had to release my internal pressure. Relax. Get some distance from the fear and shame of being out of control and let the lessons slowly come to me in their own time.

Beyond that, Vipassana also helped me broaden my perspective on mysticism, mind-body mysteries and some radically different philosophical ideas about life. After all those conversations, debates, journal entries, I eventually gave in to all of my confusing, unfinished, unresolved thoughts. I took it all in and then let it all go. I'll just accept what I can right now.

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The vipassana meditation technique is really beautiful and transforming. Despite my own experience of pain, most people learn to use vipassana to have less suffering, less attachment and more peace, more happiness in their lives. As for me, I'm very slowly retraining my eyes in Vipassana meditation. But I'm letting it happen with more ease and less fear. I know it will help me be more present and grateful for whatever else I get to experience in this lifetime.

So, cheers to trying new things and failing and everything in between,

and may it help you in your own journey,

Smarti